It’s Monday morning, 9 am. Just finished breakfast, answered my emails, and caught up on texts from this past weekend. It’s 12:28pm. Sigh. What now? Then it hit me. That sense of dread that you get?…out of nowhere?…yea, THAT. Tears welled up and at the time, I couldn’t explain to you where it came from or what the reason was. I sat on my couch, lip quivering, nose running and all my past failures started filling my head. All the “what ifs” began. What if I had studied harder? What if I had lived somewhere else? What would have happened if I had said no to going to that party and instead spent more time with my family? What if, what if, what if. Not to mention I questioned my sanity a couple of times too.
Is this normal? Does anyone else feel the guilt of all the things that you’ve done wrong? Jeez. It was a long ass 30 minutes of that internal struggle. It all eventually lead to one thing….how sorry I felt for myself. Me?? An educated woman with a Bachelors and an M.D. degree and I pitied myself?? The world would have thought I was depressed or pretty quick to label me as “not normal”. Well guess what, it’s normal. You cannot grow and learn from your mistakes if you don’t question them. What is not normal is feeling sorry for yourself to the point it’s debilitating. Sadly, that was me 7 or 8 years ago. The people “pleaser”, never saying no, not standing up for myself, etc. Ugh. I hate to think about it but it also brought around the greatest change in my life today
So what changed? My attitude. Seriously, that’s it. It’s obviously still a work in progress and I would say I am 90% in a better place than I was 8 years ago. I realized feeling sorry for myself and my mistakes is not going to get me where I want to be. No one wants to join your pity party. Your friends and family will always support you but do they really know your internal struggle? Do they really know how exactly you feel? It is hard to convey your deepest feelings to others. Sometimes friends and family can empathize but deep down if they haven’t been through it, it’s trough to relate. By the way…this is not to push off individuals who do have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD or Depression). That is a serious issue and make sure you seek help for it.
Now, where was I? Right. So, if you want something, work your ass off for it. Use your mistakes as strengths. Don’t take no for an answer (that’s going to have to be a whole another post..when is it ok to walk away?? oy). You’ll even have family members who will tell you can’t do it or to quit. All of this goes back to how much you believe in yourself. How much VALUE you give yourself. So yea, back to the question in the title…Why am I doing this? It is to simply serve as a reminder that I am stronger than I was and in a better place than I was. My mistakes taught me so much and I make better decisions due to them. I also, VALUE myself way more than I ever have before. Does that mean I’m better than everyone else? Absolutely not. I have a whole lifetime to go and cannot compare my experiences with someone else’s. I can however, use my experiences to relate and help others 🙂
Sigh. Writing this made me happy and lighter. I think this was a good start. I’m holding myself accountable for at least one blog a week to start off. I’ll see how it goes from there!
Sending my positive vibes, energy, and lots of love to you all and to the Universe. God Bless 🙂